I had a friend that I cared about deeply, at the time I considered her a best friend. She was a very interesting, caring, soulful person, so full of life. She was one of those people that would walk into a room and all eyes would be upon her. She could instantaneoulsy light up a room. She gave the biggest bear hugs, at times she'd hug me so hard my back would pop. I met her when I was at my lows. I think I had post-partum depression after I had my son. However, I didn't know, I didn't know anything about post-partum depression. I did one day over hear my dad speak to my mom and say "I don't know what is wrong with my mija. She's not the same, she doesn't have that same spark in her eyes." I had lost all my pregnancy weight in 2 weeks. Then I got on the depo-provera shot. Which I blamed later for how I was feeling. It made me sleepy, it made me not care about my appearance, it made me very unmotivated, and it made me gain 26 lbs in 2 months! I use to tell people that I would never wish it on my worse enemy. So maybe it was the depo or post-partum depression, but it was something that later affected me after the depo-provera shot. Eventually, I managed to slowly come out of a fog. Then I met Tessa. She gave me my spark back.
Tessa was always a happy go-lucky gal. When she was a high school student she boldly went to Japan by herself to visit her aunt. When she graduated high school, she once again ventured off by herself to Hawaii. I believe she was a person that loved everyone, loved life, and wanted what it all had to offer. I know that she loved her mom and little sister very much. I know that she admired her mom for all her hard work as a single parent, and then even being a foster parent. I can remember how happy she was when her mom was able to adopt the children that she was a foster parent to.
Then little by little I saw my friend drift away. She began isolating herself from friends, she would still call me, but not as often. Then one day I went to visit her, and it saddened me. She seemed so different. She was not the same girl anymore, she seemed sad and depressed. Once she even cried on the shoulders of my husband and I. There was something deeply bothering her. I tried often to get her to tell me what was bothering her so bad, but she would just shake her head or say that it was nothing.
After several pep-talks, somehow she came out of this depression or at least she fooled us all. However, the last time I spoke to her, the last time I saw her, she seemed like she was back. She was very much looking forward to upcoming events. Before our conversation ended abruptly, she had pulled me to the side. She asked if she could speak to me about something important. She went from super excited and happy to so very serious. So right as she was about to tell me something that appeared to be serious and confidential, my husband came over to us, and said we had to go. It was time for us to get back home. Tessa begged if I could stay, that she had something to tell me. She offered to take me home, even though it was out of the way for her. However, our "serious" conversation never took place.
The next day, Tuesday, I tried calling her, no answer... I wish I had went to go visit her.
Wednesday, my husband saw Tessa at her work, he said that she seemed fine.
Thursday, my mother in law and a friend came to the house. My friend broke the news. She said that her boyfriend came home Wednesday night, and found her dead in her apartment. I couldn't even put together what I was being told... I was in shock, and then I screamed and cried. That was over 7 years ago.
There are details that I was later told about, but I won't go into it. Sometimes I question if it was suicide. Maybe it is just me that still cannot come to terms with what happened. Maybe it is denial that she would do that.
I wrote this for her 6 years ago.
TO TESSA
Beautiful vivacious woman, so full of love
The one I am always thinking of
Everyday I can see your face
Your appearance of breath-taking grace
You visit me briefly in my dreams at night
Mostly in your favorite place of sun & light
Once again I can see that amazing spark in your eyes
When the dream ends my heart & soul cries
Your beautiful smile, the sound of your laughter, the smell of your hair
Is forever with me & it will always be there
You tell me goodbye & then hug me so tight
I begin to cry & you say, "Sweetie, everything is alright"
Then I know it is our time to part
Now I must hold you so close to my heart
The best times of my life were spent with you
Sometimes I can not believe this is all true
That you are not here with me today
And that you seem close, yet so far away
I miss you more than words can explain
It is a feeling beyond great pain
Yet you come to comfort me
And that together again it will be
I know when my lifetime on earth comes to an end
I will never say goodbye to you again, my friend
So I will sing out with joy of heart
That it is together again & not apart
I thank God that you were a part of my life, everyday...
That you changed my views & thinking in a profound way
You taught me to live freely & to not be afraid
Then after you left another change was made...
I learned to make everyday count, as a habit
To cherish each moment, seize it & grab it
I want to thank you for everything...
For all the love & joy you did bring
I am a better person because of you
Almost like a person made new
Most importantly I need you to know
How much I greatly love you so
So if I could do it all over again, you see...
I'd know for sure you knew how much you meant to me
Forgive me, for there is something I need to do
To say you are greatly missed & I love you
